Comments on: The Perils of Empathy http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/ "it must give pleasure" -- Wallace Stevens Thu, 06 Oct 2011 01:38:46 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.com/ By: Jana Bouc http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-6230 Tue, 17 Apr 2007 05:34:56 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-6230 This was a wonderful post. I love the way you wrapped it up and tied in the flower at the end. Your differentiation mantra reminds me of my sister’s which is shorter but works equally well. You simply check to see if it’s MY problem, or NOT my problem. If it’s NOT my problem, well then, there you are. I use it a lot when I find myself worrying about my adult sons and the choices they make, such as getting traffic tickets or choice of girlfriend. Since it’s NOT my problem I can’t fix it.

]]> By: healingmagichands http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-6035 Thu, 12 Apr 2007 02:41:09 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-6035 Oh, your wisteria picture just made me want to cry again. Mine was JUST starting to bloom out and we had 4 days of hard freeze and all the blossoms are dead. Of course, wisteria is a twining vine that twists around and through supports you give it, spiralling around them and then growing tighter and tighter until it strangles the support. It can tear apart a fence, and crush 2x4s. So it is particularly apt as a metaphor for what can happen to your life if you do not make boundaries.

How funny that attorneys and pastors have so much in common with massage therapists. One of the things I was taught very early on when I was studying massage was how important it was to not take on people’s problems: that they must own their own problems. Perhaps it is a lesson that should be emphasized more in other professional schools as well.

]]> By: litlove http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5991 Tue, 10 Apr 2007 22:13:34 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5991 Oh my goodness me, dear BL, you have just described my life. That thing you wrote about disappearing in the face of another’s need and distress, well, I barely notice myself leave. In a flash I am nothing but a solver of other people’s problems. I was brought up to sort out everyone else first, and then, when they were all fine, I could attend to myself. The problem is, other people never do settle down, or if they do, then other needy souls take their place. I think I need to read this post at least once a day, daily, for quite some time.

]]> By: w http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5956 Mon, 09 Apr 2007 20:50:04 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5956 I’ve had to do this myself in the last year with two of the most important people in my life. Just because I can lend a very good ear does not mean I am mother or psychiatrist; and just because one of these people allows herself to over-empathize with others does not mean I owe her an equal dose. Now there is more or less a balance of space and empathy between me and these people because I’ve set rather distinct boundaries. I can breathe now. I’m glad you made your call, and thanks for sharing this.

]]> By: dovegreyreader http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5954 Mon, 09 Apr 2007 20:30:51 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5954 Bloglily, I have been so loooong finding you and now finally I sit down and make the effort and am so pleased I have!
I’m in the caring professions too and over 30 years have had to learn that my boundaries are the most important thing to have in place when I sit down at my office desk and that’s where I have to leave all the awful problems of others when I go home. It almost seems heartless when you first start to do it but it’s the only way to survive.
Your wisteria is well ahead of ours here in Devon by the way!

]]> By: fencer http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5907 Sun, 08 Apr 2007 17:56:03 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5907 Great photo, and interesting, honest exploration of a delicate relationship… thing!

Regards

]]> By: Ann http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5896 Sun, 08 Apr 2007 08:19:41 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5896 I realised that I behaved in this way when I read in one of the early Donna Leon books Brunetti’s recognition that he suffered from ‘psychological double vision’; he can always see the other person’s point of view and allows this to influence him. Since then (and I only read this a couple of moths ago) I have really tried to look more closely at my empathy and how I react to it. Your gesture is going to be very helpful – thank you.

]]> By: realruth http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5894 Sun, 08 Apr 2007 05:46:43 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5894 Your ritual of bound’ries set
Means that what you need, you get.

]]> By: bloglily http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5879 Sat, 07 Apr 2007 19:25:55 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5879 Kristin, I am thinking that the hand gesture and the chocolate cake should not be combined, because the cake would end up in me, rather than away from me. Small steps, I know.

Welcome Donna, It’s interesting how language is used to discourage people from adopting perfectly healthy behaviors — calling self-preservation “selfish” for example.

Dear Ben, That’s a really wise and helpful insight. The goal of being able to separate yourself from others isn’t to become selfish, it’s to be more effective in your efforts to give good counsel and assistance. I’m so glad to see you here, by the way. It’s been fun reading your posts on 9rules and I’m thrilled to find you closer to home. (And Happy Easter to you).

Hello Emily, I do like that.

Hello Lilian, I think this was about my fourth conversation ever wtih Tessa, and probably there won’t be many more!

Hi Shannon — How nice to see you here. Clouds o’drama, with a nice quiet space in the middle. That’s a good vision.

Dear Dorothy, That’s why you’re a nice person. Better to start there and ratchet back than to have to learn empathy and compassion from scratch.

]]> By: Kristin Ohlson http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5878 Sat, 07 Apr 2007 18:25:13 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5878 But how are you doing with the chocolate cake?

]]> By: donna http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5874 Sat, 07 Apr 2007 17:43:03 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5874 Excellent post, thank you! Learning not to take on other’s problems is a difficult lesson, indeed. I have been called “selfish” simply because I didn’t care about how others felt and gossiped about my conduct of my own life, imagine that… lost friends when I called them on it, too, but oh well.

]]> By: Ben Daniel http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5870 Sat, 07 Apr 2007 16:48:15 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5870 Great post. I work in a helping profession (I’m a pastor), and I’ve had to learn to do exactly what you did with Tessa. If I didn’t I’d never be able to do my job. Boundries keep us safe and sane.

And in my personal life, I have two daughters who were adopted in China, and the only way my wife and I were able to adopt orphans was to think of adoption as a purely selfish act. When we started thinking about the ways we were going to imporve the lives of our children, we couldn’t help but think of the millions of children we were not able to help, and it began to drive us crazy.

It’s wierdly counterintuitive, but setting boudries, not making other people’s problems our problems actually enables us to be more compassionate in the long run.

]]> By: Emily http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5869 Sat, 07 Apr 2007 13:14:06 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5869 Thank you for the wonderful symbolic method of getting rid of others’ troubles. Each of us is given enough trouble of our own, it seems, in this life. Why collect others’ as well? (Now, I just need to turn that into a mantra to repeat along with your hand movements.)

]]> By: Lilian http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5868 Sat, 07 Apr 2007 12:47:14 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5868 I liked this post, although I was sorry to hear that you’ve had difficulties with Tessa, who sounds painful! I can also identify with the perils of empathy, although perhaps not to such a great extent as you.

]]> By: Shannon http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5866 Sat, 07 Apr 2007 12:32:53 +0000 http://bloglily.com/2007/04/06/the-perils-of-empathy/#comment-5866 What a wonderfully vivid way of expressing this problem that we all have and your response to it. The way I think about it is that there is a cloud of drama that surrounds us all. I have my space in the center of that cloud where the drama does not extend. And when someone tries to do what you have described, I think of it as their drama, not my drama. Of course, I have my own drama too, which it is also useful to recognize.

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